Good morning, sweet angels of garbage! Welcome to another round of silliness in this Trash Report. I’m the blob of leftover mashed potatoes formerly known as Elinor Jones. Thanksgiving is over and now it is Christmas for a month. Hey, why is it everyone is quick to make fun of people who celebrate “birthday month,” yet this one dumb holiday gets basically a quarter of the year? Christmas probably celebrates her half-birthday. She’s a basic bitch, and you can quote me on that.
Want some more hot takes upon which to warm your frosty but dexterous paws? Let’s go!
Thankful, Pt. 1
I said it last week and I’ll say it again: Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I already had plenty to be thankful for, and now there’s one more thing to put on the list, which is Cher blowing the fucking roof off the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade at the ripe old age of 77. “But Elinor,” you say, “she could not blow the roof off; it is a parade, and they are already outside.” You sure about that? Or maybe Cher is just tricking you into believing that there was never a roof because that’s how hard she blew that roof clean out of there. She performed a song called “DJ Play a Christmas Song,” a life-changing ditty wherein she asks a DJ to play a Christmas song so that she can dance all night long. Simply listening to three minutes and 29 seconds of this holiday insanity was enough to have me begging for some nog and a nap; I certainly couldn’t dance all night long! But I’ll be the first to admit that, sadly, I am no Cher. This song is going to become my entire personality for the next four weeks so get ready. Mariah Who??
The other best thing that happened at the parade is Beyonce released a trailer for her Renaissance movie. We all got cute with the red lipstick for Taylor Swift‘s concert movie, but now we get to dress up like disco balls and I am here. For. It. DJ Play a Christmas Song, sure, but DJ, also play this entire album, because I may not be religious for Jesus but the transition from “Cuff It” to “Energy” absolutely makes me believe in a higher power.
Thankful, Pt. 2
I am writing this on Sunday, having spent most of my time at my computer ignoring my deadline as I refreshed local news, wondering if my child would ever go to school again. And hooray, Portland Public School Teachers reached a tentative agreement! I’m so happy for them to have a more sustainable contract, and for the kids and families who have been impacted. I’m also mad it came to this and went on for so long! Like, what the hell was the district doing being stubborn about a class size committee?! My dudes, committees advise on rules, they don’t make the rules! They wouldn’t have had to do what a committee says! If PPS two weeks ago insisted that the committee had to consist of four teachers, two parents, an astrologist, the astrologist’s hamster, and a rotating local celebrity, they should have said “great idea, here’s your contract, time to go back to school!” Whatever. It’s done now. I’m really proud of PPS teachers for standing up for themselves and for our community for standing with them, even if it did mean I had to take frequent breaks during my workday to prepare snacks for a small needy person. Well, a second small needy person. (I am also small and needy.)
Tax Dollars At Work!
One thing that made me rage spiral last week was listening to leader after leader say that there simply was not enough money to give the teachers what they asked for, while cops are straight up fucking around on our time using toys that we bought them. CNN shared this video – probably trying to be cute, perhaps not reading the room – where some cops in Wisconsin pull over a dude as a ruse so he can surprise his girlfriend with a proposal and the whole thing is captured on the cop’s body camera and then released to social media. The body cameras that we, as taxpayers, bought cops in hopes that they’d stop murdering Black people. Cool country, great priorities.
Very Stable Geniuses
Great book news for people who can’t read: Republican Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene and murderer/2nd Amendment darling Kyle Rittenhouse are both coming out with books! This is a great way for adult children of aging Republicans to monitor their parents’ mental acuity. Basic Republicans? Sure, okay. MTG or Rittenhouse books on the shelf? Time for some hard conversations.
Hair Trash
Sexually ambiguous moppet Harry Styles got a haircut and oh boy, people felt some kind of way about it! The celebrity gossip site Deuxmoi was the first to break the news and Harry’s fans were all over her DMs, insisting she take it back, as if they were personally harmed by the rumor of Styles cutting his hair. Of course, Deux ended up being right, and these poor people now have to sit with the hard truth that they are not owed a hairstyle by their celebrity crush. Since I write jokes for the internet rather than saying them out loud, the following will work: Hey, the name’s Harry, not Hairy.
You know what else is happening in hair? Vogue says that 90s supermodel Linda Evangelista‘s iconic shag might be this winter’s It hairstyle. Those of us who attempted to pull of the short Drew Barrymore or Winona Ryder hair in the ’90s wish today’s trend followers all the best of luck during what is likely to be a long and awkward grow-out.
Break-Up of the Century?
Daryl Hall is suing John Oates – yes, that Hall, and that Oates – to get out of some sort of business venture, which is such a sad state of affairs. It’s giving Brad suing Angie over her selling her stake in their French vineyard; we know it’s not about the deal, it’s about the failure of a years-long relationship and the broken hearts still glowing red among the embers and ashes of a flame extinguished. I mean, it’s obvious to everyone that Hall is still in love with Oates! Sure, Oates deserves to live the live of his choosing, but I do hope that they can peacefully work through this matter and amicably share custody of “You Make My Dreams Come True,” which has done nothing wrong and deserves the love and support of both parents.
Gosh, it is time to go. Thanks for reading. I hope that wherever you spend this week, there is a DJ near you so you can say “DJ Play ‘DJ Play a Christmas Song.'” You deserve it.
Lovingly,
