Hello, everyone! Happy Super Bowl hangover day to whomever celebrates; I don’t, so I’m normal today, just dumb for the same ol’ reasons. Can you believe it’s almost Valentine’s Day? Or maybe it actually is Valentine’s Day, depending on when you read this! Personally, I like that candy has shattered the limitations placed on it by Big Ghiradelli and I look forward to foregoing chocolate in favor of heart-shaped boxes of Sour Patch Kids. Also, I hope you’ve checked out the Mercury’s gorgeous Valentine’s Day print issue. It’s pink! And I’m in it!
Now it’s time for the trash.
Sports Trash
I am all about the monoculture and I love to love things but I am so tired of football and Taylor Swift! No more brain space; I simply cannot. I mean look: Am I glad she made it to the game in time after her Tokyo shows? Yes. Do I think this was a challenge or hardship for her when she has her own airplane and team of professionals to ensure it happens comfortably and efficiently? No. Am I impressed that her lipstick always looks so damn good? Yes. Am I also glad that her boyfriend’s team has red jerseys so she can keep her signature red lip and remain on theme? Extremely yes. Did I like her pants? No, I hated them. Do I think it’s hilarious that Republicans hate Taylor Swift so much that they’d rather root for the team out of San Francisco than the cornfed midwestern one? Yes, a thousand times yes, this is incredible, put it in my veins. Will I listen to her new album? OBVIOUSLY. But that’s it! No more thoughts!!
Because I am feeling like a hater, I didn’t watch the halftime show, but I was refreshing my social media apps as it happened. Danny DeVito seemed into it, and for that I am glad!
USHER !!!!
The Crusher!!!!!— Danny DeVito (@DannyDeVito) February 12, 2024
Speaking of Usher, apparently he got a marriage license while in Vegas so he’ll probably be tying the knot soon. Will he roller skate down the aisle? Because if my 45-year-old partner revealed himself to be a gifted roller-dancer in his middle age you can bet your ass I’d have him doing it all the time.
The real news out of yesterday’s event is that Beyoncé is releasing a new album of country music! And I’m sure that all the people who found it distasteful that Taylor announced her new album at the Grammy’s will be equally mad that Beyoncé announced her album at the Super Bowl, both women in violation of the heretofore unwritten rule that giant promotional events should not also be used as mini commercials for other things. *eye roll*
Final thing on this: Trolling MAGA is fun, but you’re the President, man. Act like it. Everyone has made everything weird and cringe, exhibit A:
Just like we drew it up. pic.twitter.com/9NBvc5nVZE
— Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) February 12, 2024
Legal Trash
Dudes, I am elated to share an extremely stupid piece of gossip: Gina Carano, the actress who was fired from The Mandalorian for being a transphobic jerk, is now suing Disney with lawyers bankrolled by Elon Musk. This is peak loser behavior. Carano is doing whatever she can to stay famous enough to eventually get some of the Fox News talking head “celebrity” spots currently kept warm by such esteemed actors as Rob Schneider and one of the lesser Baldwins. This will be effective. Musk is hoping that flexing his fortune will somehow convince his trans child to hate him less. This will not be effective, but at least it will be expensive and embarrassing!
In other celebrity legal news, rappers Snoop Dogg and Master P are suing Walmart for not keeping their cereal brands on the shelves. Did you know that Snoop Dogg made cereal? It’s called Frosted Drizzlers. I can’t get behind Walmart as a corporation, but I do think this was a marketing failure on the part of Snoop’s cereal team. So many perfect cereal names were right there: Drop It Like It’s Honey. Nothin’ but a Graham Thang. Muesli was the Crunch That They Gave Me. (Call me, Snoop, I can help you out!)
Hall of Famers
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame released its current class of nominees, and congratulations are in order for Cher! Except excuse me, how is she not already in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?? Others on the nomination list this year include Mary J. Blige, Sinead O’Conner, Oasis, Mariah Carey, Foreigner, A Tribe Called Quest, and Peter Frampton. And I’m like, shit, did I write this list? Do I live a shadow life, Severance-style, in which I’m secretly in charge of nominations for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? I feel like I am! This list rules!!
In other Cher news (and can there ever be enough?) Paul Giamatti just went on Howard Stern and revealed that he periodically gets word from Cher’s people that she wants to talk to him, but he doesn’t know why. What a great mystery! I hope they never connect. I hope that every time Giamatti misses a call from an unknown number, he’ll wonder if it was Cher. It’d be like a Hollywood version of how Anita Hill has been waiting 30 years for Joe Biden to call her up and apologize for supporting Clarence Thomas, but less depressing, and with fewer long-term constitutional implications (I would assume.)
Trashion
Editor-in-chief of British Vogue, Edward Enninful, is retiring, and his send-off was an epic cover featuring 40 of the most beautiful famous women of all time. And they look bored out of their gourds! For real, click through on that link. Not all of them, but most of them are seriously lacking in face. People have been giving Vogue all sorts of props for pulling off the logistics of having so many superstars in one place, but the real props is for making so many stunning humans look like normal tired women who are sick of their jobs.
Weird and cringe, exhibit B:
Is this an ad for that Boeing door https://t.co/rMISTVeSG4
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) February 11, 2024
Local Trash
Did you know that people regularly steal the tree from Mill’s End Park, AKA the world’s smallest park? They just did it again. What the actual fuck is wrong with some people? Let there be nice things!
In other local news, Bob Moore of the grain company Bob’s Red Mill passed away last week at the age of 94. It sounds like he was healthy right up to the end, so think about that the next time you’re trying to talk yourself out of making steel cut oats for breakfast.
Damn, and I am 94-year-old man? Because I am feeling cantankerous AF today. Sorry about that, team! I’ll get my steel cut oats and an attitude adjustment pronto. Thanks for spending this time with me even though I’m a mess. I’ll make it up to you next time, I promise.
Crankily,
